OH GOD THE EPILOGUE IS WRITTEN IN JACOB’S POINT OF VIEW.
WHAT IS THIS, A FAN FICTION? SWITCHING POINT OF VIEWS? WHAT?
It’s all about Jacob raging about Bella marrying Edward. We already knew this crap, we don’t need to be beaten over the head with it.
Anyways, Jacob got sent a wedding invitation and it pissed him off.
In chapter twenty-seven, Bella cries and sobs and whines and moans because she had to really choose between Jacob and Edward.
I thought she chose a long time ago?
Edward is a perfect sparkly handsome awesome boyfriend and magically comes to Bella’s aid as she is upset. (He can see her via Alice’s awesome vampire future powers.)
What.
You can’t sell this to young girls who are still learning what love is about. You are going to give them false hope and incorrect opinions about love. You are going to crush their dreams when they find out what love REALLY is.
Bella finally agrees to let Alice plan the wedding, and then something happens.
Edward tries to have sex with Bella and she says no.
This whole series has been about how irresistible Edward is.
But fine, whatever.
In chapter twenty-six, Bella is whiny to the people who saved her life.
Alice and Bella have a discussion about why Bella is immune to certain vampire’s powers, and not others. The reason is that most vampires create illusions, rather than physically affecting the body, and Bella is “safe” inside her mind.
Whatever.
Also, Charlie is an idiot because he can’t figure out that Bella’s been going behind his back again.
Seriously, Meyer, why would you do this?
Bella goes down to La Push to see Jacob… and stuff.
There is an annoying argument full of “love” and Jacob compares Bella’s love for Edward to a drug.
YEAH, THAT’S A PERFECT THING TO SAY IN A BOOK MEANT FOR TEENS TO TEACH THEM ABOUT LOVE. THAT’S JUST PERFECT.
In chapter twenty-five the Volturi come for Bella and Edward anyways, because I guess Meyer wanted to drag out this book further.
Also, in the course of the fight, Jacob got hurt.
Then Bella passes out.
The gif was for the predictability of this plot twist.
OH GOD BUT WHEN SHE WAKES UP JACOB IS MAGICALLY OKAY.
UGH.
Does anyone die in this book besides the bad guys? It’s so BORING.
Jane stops by for an after-party of pain and suffering.
Finally a character I can relate to.
There is also a newborn vampire who surrendered, Bree, who Jane enjoys torturing for a bit.
Oh, guess what?
Bree dies. It’s the first death that’s supposed to be moving. But it isn’t.
It’s just stupid.
In chapter twenty-four, Bella is torn between Edward and Jacob.
What.
Edward isn’t mad that Bella kissed Jacob.
What is this stupidity.
I don’t even.
BUT HERE COMES THE FIGHT OH LORD YES FINALLY.
Guess what? Victoria wasn’t tricked by the false trail. She is coming for Edward and Bella.
MAYBE I CAN USE MAGIC MIND POWERS TO REWRITE THIS BOOK TO KILL BELLA!
YEAH!
Victoria has made a new little vampire to be her boyfriend (Riley) along with the army of newborns, but she has been using him to get to Bella. Edward points this out to him and tries to get him to “come to the good side,” but it doesn’t work.
Bella stabs her arm to distract him in the fight, and Riley is killed by Seth (or one of the werewolves).
Edward uses this opportunity to attack Victoria and he beheads her.
That’s it.
That was the big fight.
It lasted 5 pages. The part the entire book was leading up to was 5 pages. Meyer wastes hundreds of pages on cyclical conversations between Bella and Edward and all we get is 5 pages of poorly written action.
We start out chapter twenty three with more homoerotic subtext, including Edward basically almost tackling Jacob.
I think I’ve figured out why I’m so focused on pointing out Jacob and Edward’s romance… because if I had to actually focus on Edward and Bella’s “romance” I’d shoot myself.
The fight approaches fast, and yet all Bella wants to talk about is what she muttered in her sleep the night before because it has caused a bromance/rift between Edward and Jacob.
I’m still not over how stupid of a plot device Bella’s sleep talking is. Who the hell came up with that?
Bella and Edward also discuss their favorite nights together, and Jacob gets pissed (like usual).
UGH THEN BELLA HAS TO GO “POOR ME I ALWAYS HURT EVERYONE I LOVE BLAH BLAH WOE IS ME.”
There is a stupid apology and Bella asks Jacob to kiss her.
WHAT?
That doesn’t make any sense!
I thought Bella said she would never want to kiss her best friend!
I thought that was clear!
UGH.
WHAT.
MEYER IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU HAVE TO SPREAD IT OVER THE COURSE OF CHAPTERS, NOT HALF A PAGE.
LOVE DOES NOT MAGICALLY APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR.
I HATE THIS IDIOTIC CHAPTER.
I am 99.99999% sure that chapter twenty-two was written for Stephenie Meyer to fulfill sexual fantasies with her fictional characters.
Oh, wait. That’s this whole series, isn’t it?
Also, Jacob is disgusting with a bunch of sexual innuendo.
And I’m still wondering why they allowed Bella to come along… she’s really an inconvenience for them. They could have just left her at the Cullens’ place with one guard, in the warmth, instead of having to double baby-sit her in a tent… in a blizzard.
Then, finally comes the EdwardxJacob sexual tension.
I don’t really ship them, I’m just pretty certain the real romance in these books is between Jacob and Edward.
The funny thing is… Bella is awake for this conversation. She knows it’s happening. AND they’re talking about her like some prize to be won RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE.
How is this supposed to be a good romance series?
In chapter twenty-one, we discover Bella’s dream is to get married in Vegas, since Edward said he would only have sex with her if they got married. (Of course, they never actually said SEX, remember?)
I really don’t understand this book. I thought romance books were supposed to glorify marriage and make love something… magical. These books have taken the concept of love and turned it into blackmail and contracts and worthlessness.
Then there is a really long conversation between Alice and Bella over her choice of a wedding venue. (You know, Vegas.) Finally Bella agrees to let her plan the wedding and blah blah blah.
Anyways, Edward takes Bella into the woods and they start hiking to the site they will be camping, and Bella drips her blood around to lead a false trail. Jacob then comes to pick her up to take her to the REAL camp site.
Then there is the whole Jacob-was-supposed-to-be-Alpha-male-thing. Yeah. But guess what? Jacob refused because he’s just awesome.
Even though, you know, being Alpha male means you can order people around and do whatever the heck you want.
Again, Twilight Logic.
I am warning you guys, turn back now. You don’t even want to know the crap that goes on in chapter twenty.
The entirety of chapter twenty is a discussion between Edward and Bella. About SEX.
And the funny thing?
THEY NEVER ACTUALLY USE THE WORD SEX.
SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX
God, Meyer, really? Just say the word. We all know what you’re talking about. It’s just annoying that you want to beat around the bush like this. Seriously. It’s just a word.
I’m done.
In chapter nineteen Edward is pissed because Bella never accepts his presents, but accepted Jacob’s present. Bella says that she likes homemade things… or something like that.
Also, Jacob is second in command of the wolf pack. Okay. And Leah Clearwater is a werewolf too, even though for some reason everyone was thinking females can’t be werewolves. I’m not going to make a comment about how sexist that is.
Oh, wait.
Then we have some really stupid lines that prove how awful of a main character Bella is.
“I’ve already gone crazy once… And I can’t stand it if you leave me again.”
Oh, then Alice has magical convenient conversation skills that fool Charlie into letting his daughter run off with her for a few nights.
They do this so that they can have the big fight without Bella having to run away from Charlie again.
