50 Shades of Grey Book Review: Chapter Four

Ana and Mr. Grey stare at each other for a few creepy minutes until Mr. Grey says that Ana should stay away from him…

But not in the way that we’re thinking. He’s just saying that he’s no good for her, and that he’s “dangerous” or whatever. Ana misreads this as him not wanting of her, which spirals into the predictable hurt and despair of any idiotic romance like this.

Then she cries. She cries over a guy she doesn’t know not kissing her.

Her friend Kate picks up on her sadness (what are you, a mind reader?) and tells her to forget it. After exams the next week (time passes in an illogical manner in this book), a package comes in the mail.

First edition books. The first three volumes of Tess of the d’Urbervilles.

Anyways, Ana and her friends go out to a bar to celebrate the end of their exams, and Ana gets very drunk from tequila-based margaritas. She stumbles off to the bathroom, and pulls out her cell phone in the line (why?). She sees that Mr. Grey was the last person she called (WHAT, I THOUGHT THAT WAS WEEKS AGO; LOGIC) and when he answers the telephone, he says that he is coming to get her. But haha, he doesn’t know where she is.

Unfortunately, I think I know where this is going… and it’s creepy.

Ana goes outside for some fresh air, and Jose follows, grabbing up on her and trying to kiss her. When she repeatedly says no and he doesn’t listen, Mr. Grey shows up.

Are you kidding me? THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC; THIS IS GROUNDS FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER. HOW DID HE KNOW WHERE SHE WAS?

Well, Ana… spills her groceries (if you catch my drift) but Mr. Grey stands and holds her, waiting for her to finish.

That’s kind of really disgusting.

Mr. Grey also says that he tracked her cell phone and will be taking her home. Oh my holy God. I cannot even. Ana even remarks that this is the behavior of a stalker, BUT THEN SAYS IT’S OKAY BECAUSE IT’S HIM.

WHAT.

Then Mr. Grey takes Ana onto the dance floor (yes, that’s a brilliant idea, she’s drunk, moron).

And then Ana passes out.

Tessa’s review:

http://tessalovespandas.tumblr.com/post/27927626653/50-sog-book-review-chapter-4 

Breaking Dawn Book Review: Chapter Four

In chapter four, there is a bromance between Seth Clearwater and Edward.

UH-OH MAYBE JACOB HAS SOME COMPETITION NOW.

THEN BELLA TALKS ABOUT HOW HER DAD CAN’T TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF AS THEY SHARE THE FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE. SERIOUSLY, BELLA? WHAT THE HELL.

Jacob stops by, too. Woo.

He and Bella joke about voices in their head.

How can people stand reading this? It’s so obviously OFFENSIVE.

Also, Jacob gets mad because Bella tells him she and Edward will indeed be having sex on their honeymoon. 

Even though they didn’t say the word sex.

I’m not going to spam the next line with a paragraph of the word “sex,” like I want to.

Jacob leaves and Edward and Bella go to board the plane for their honeymoon location.

Eclipse Book Review: Chapter Four

In chapter four Bella goes psychotic (is this the proper term?) when Edward leaves her for one day, and begins to speak with inanimate objects. 

“‘See,’ I said aloud- talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign- ‘That’s not so horrible, is it?’”

Bella takes a surprise trip to La Push (how come Alice didn’t foresee that one and stop her, hmm?) and Jacob is kind of nice. I guess. He has some kind of emotional anger problems now, if you forgot. He fills her in on the werewolves tracking Victoria and she tells him about Edward, leaving out the vital information that they plan to one day make her a vampire. too. 

Jacob then brings up a really good point that we should address. Why does Bella love Edward?

She was attracted to him from the beginning for his looks. Even now, as they have been dating for several months, Bella constantly is “mesmerized” by Edward’s “angelic features.”

There is absolutely no substance to this relationship. Just physical appearances, angst, and stalker-overprotectiveness. 

Here is Bella’s little monologue about Edward on this subject:

“‘I love him. Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich!’ I spat the word at Jacob. ‘I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit- because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?’”

Really hard, Bella. If he wasn’t attractive you never would have even paid attention to him, and then the story would not have existed.

And if he hadn’t been rich, many of Meyer’s flimsy plot devices would be gone, too.

New Moon Book Review: Chapter Twenty-Four

In chapter twenty-four, Bella takes a vote on her mortality and wins, meaning that eventually Edward (or one of the Cullens) will have to turn her into a vampire. 

Bella admits to hearing voices (WHY DIDN’T EDWARD RUN AWAY AT THAT?) and is still convinced that Edward is going to leave her.

Edward: I’m never going to leave you ever again, darling. I can see that you are completely defenseless and need my help with everything.

Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.

Edward: I’m not going to leave you.

Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.

Edward: I’m not going to leave you.

Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.

Gryffindor and Slytherin share competitiveness and strong wills. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw share a more calm nature. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff share friendly, outgoing personalities. Slytherin and Ravenclaw share a desire for truth and knowledge. Hufflepuff and Slytherin share a strong camaraderie aspect. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor share an independent streak. In many ways, we are more alike than we think.

— Anonymous (via pottermoreravenclaws)

New Moon Book Review: Chapter Four

In chapter four, Bella is in a trance. 

First of all, I need to rant on something. Meyer does something just so lazy and annoying in the beginning of this chapter that it has bothered me ever since I first read these books when I was 11. 

She does a time skip.

Okay, I have nothing against authors who do time skips NORMALLY, but Meyer has particularly offended me with these books and therefore I just need to pick at everything that pisses me off. And this pisses me off.

It just screams fan fiction, really. So paired with Bella’s SELF-INSERT-NESS and the absence of any real depth in the characters, the terrible cliches and just plain horrible writing style, this bothers me.

End rant.

Basically nothing happens in this chapter except Bella starts hearing voices.

So, in case you didn’t think she was insane BEFORE, you now have proof.

Twilight Book Review: Chapter Twenty-Four

In chapter twenty-four, Bella wakes up in the hospital, alive and is already complaining about it. Her mother comes to see her, and Edward has stayed by her side the entire time. The Cullens have made up a phony story about Bella falling down the stairs to explain the entire accident.

There is more gooey love-y couple crap, and cyclical conversations of Bella and Edward’s love.

Then, Edward reveals that he won’t turn Bella into a vampire even though there’s amazing perks and no downsides. Seriously? You get to be sexy and live forever with lots of money and no attention from the police! What is this? Twilight Logic.

I try not to re-use gifs, but this one is too hilarious. I had to put it again.

Twilight Book Review: Chapter Four

In this chapter, Bella and Edward are having an on-again-off-again friend(?)ship, since Bella can’t just be grateful Edward SAVED HER LIFE. 

Bella is also still very pissed with the world and complains about having a full table of friends when she goes to lunch. Then Bella decides to ignore Edward because he’s a jerk and will not feed her obsession/unhealthy infatuation. She gets momentarily depressed. 

Now, there is actually a piece in this chapter in which Bella behaves normally. Like, I completely understood her emotions in the section. Edward decides that he is going to speak to her again after acting like he hates her for ~2 months and Bella gets pissed. 

Finally. I actually agree with her. I too, would be pissed.

But then Bella opens her stupid mouth to complain about all the boys around her asking her to the spring formal dance (not prom, yet). She COMPLAINS because boys actually LIKE her for some unknown reason. 

Suddenly, Bella magically fixes everyone’s problems and sets up her friends that she hates inside her mind with all the boys who want her for her body for the spring dance. I’m sorry, but this is such a Mary-Sue cliche that it’s not even funny.

From this chapter I have deducted a few things. One: Bella is definitely an anti-social asshole. Two: Edward is also as much of an asshole as Bella is.

Congratulations. I hope the two of you are forever happy in your little world of asshole-ness.