We need to thank a major person behind this endeavor: my friend Tessa.
Tessa has been lending these books to me so I don’t have to buy them, and has been awesome and so patient with me.
I love you girl.
You can find her blog here: http://tessalovespandas.tumblr.com/
Well, I have to say, I thought books couldn’t get worse than Twilight, but they did, and New Moon is proof of that.
Ah well, I’ll be starting Eclipse soon!
Apparently college “is plan B” for Bella.
Yeah Meyer, that’s a great role model for kids. Teach them that running off with their boyfriends will make them more happy than going to school and making something of themselves. Yeah, that’s a great plan.
But it’s okay, you know why?
Jacob has redeemed himself.
JACOB SHOWED THE MOTORCYCLES TO CHARLIE.
LOLOLOLOLOL
HE MAD. HE REAL MAD.
Bella got screamed at and OH LORD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YESSS!
Thank you, Jacob Black, for ending this book awesomely.
In chapter twenty-four, Bella takes a vote on her mortality and wins, meaning that eventually Edward (or one of the Cullens) will have to turn her into a vampire.
Bella admits to hearing voices (WHY DIDN’T EDWARD RUN AWAY AT THAT?) and is still convinced that Edward is going to leave her.
Edward: I’m never going to leave you ever again, darling. I can see that you are completely defenseless and need my help with everything.
Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.
Edward: I’m not going to leave you.
Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.
Edward: I’m not going to leave you.
Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.
Edward: I’m not going to leave you.
Bella: Don’t leave me Edward.
In chapter twenty three Bella further proves her stupidity by convincing herself that she is dreaming and Edward is not actually really with her.
Dear lord, this is like something I wrote when I was eight and I tried to write a novel.
Bella also believes she has the right to reprimand her own father after she ran away with her friend to Italy without a moment’s notice and no contact information. Yeah, you’re totally in the right, Bella.
Seriously. How can she possibly be a good role model for kids? Running off from her family whenever she wants, lying, being selfish and doing idiotic things? Yeah, that’s a great role model, Meyer. Let’s have Bella do drugs and drink, then she’ll be perfect!
If I was Bella’s parent…
I can’t believe I actually wrote that- if I really was Bella’s parent I’d probably hang myself.
In chapter twenty-two, Bella comes home to an angry Charlie (rightfully so- she just LEFT) and has more annoying conversations with Edward.
Apparently she believes that he is bored of her and couldn’t possibly still love her.
Personally, I don’t see how he can still love her either.
In chapter twenty-one we are introduced to some of the Volturi, prominently Jane, a child-like beautiful vampire who makes us think of Alice, and Aro, the leader of the Volturi.
I got really bored and skimmed through this chapter. Basically, the Volturi debate on what to do with Edward and Bella for 10 pages.
Okay, then I got pissed off.
Bella shows yet another piece of evidence with her Mary-Sue-ness.
SHE IS CONVENIENTLY IMMUNE TO ALL OF THE VAMPIRES’ POWERS.
And also:
Ooh, would you like some ice with that burn?
In chapter twenty, Alice and Bella race to save Edward.
They actually do something awesome and steal a car, so we have to give them props for that. That’s pretty awesome. If I was a sparkly vampire I’d totally go around and steal people’s cars. And stuff.
I wonder where the Cullens get all their money. I know Alice can predict the stock market and such, but I don’t know. Meyer could have made them a little… less rich. Edward’s already supposed to be prefect in every other way, can’t we just have him living comfortably instead of swimming in cash?
I mean, Alice carries a $1000 dollar bill in her pocket. Do those exist? I’ve never seen one.
Thanks, Google. You’re the man.
Anyways, Edward is stupid and Bella tackles him to get him to stop from exposing himself. Then he thinks that they’re both dead and is chilling half naked in the street.
The Volturi (I don’t even know how to spell that, and frankly, I don’t care.) take Edward, Bella, and Alice down to their dungeon/hideout/secret place thing.
In chapter nineteen, Bella leaves her house and a note to Charlie to board a plane to Italy with Alice.
Only in Twilight would something like that be okay and make sense. Really.
There’s boring updates on Edward between Alice and Bella for 5 pages, and Edward comes to the conclusion that he is going to step out into the sun to reveal himself and commit suicide by vampire cop.
In chapter eighteen Jacob is being an ass again. I thought that was Edward’s job?
Bella is just really stupid and I’m tired of reading the line:
“I realized I was crying.”
BITCH, YOU DON’T KNOW THAT YOUR VISION IS GETTING BLURRED AND TEARS ARE ESCAPING FROM YOUR EYES?
OH, YOU JUST REALIZED? GOOD JOB. I’M SO PROUD.
Jacob almost kisses Bella but there is an annoying phone ringing cliche, (how many of those do I have to read before this series ends?) in which Carlisle is calling to check up on Charlie.
Jacob is pissy and tells Carlisle that Charlie is at the funeral.
Only it wasn’t Carlisle on the phone.
Dun dun dun!
It was Edward.
Edward decides to provoke the Volturi, aka the vampire cops to try and hurt himself since he has decided he doesn’t want to live in a world in which Bella does not exist.
I wish I could live in a world in which Bella doesn’t exist. (Even in fiction)
